(3:15pm EDT) Me: Just to give you a heads up, I am starting a company that designs wheelchairs for snakes with special needs, in case you wanted to get on board.

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I feel bad for anyone who’s too young to remember when “Take a Picture” was a radio hit. I should play my guitar right now. 
Great, I gotta tune it cause it’s been so humid out lately and we left the windows open in hopes of it being fall soon, even though the equinox isn’t for another 2 n a half weeks. Stupid everyone. Stupid us. 
I just came up w/ a riff accidentally while tuning, but it sounds like something Incubus would write so I have to throw it away and forget about it. Bye, sliding 5th chords in open ‘E’ riff. I’ll miss you for about 5 seconds n then I’ll stop typing n play something else.
Just spent the last 4 minutes working on it. It was too good to throw away. I found a way to make it sound less Incubusy. I’m very satisfied w/ it. I’m even hearing a vocal melody in my head. In my own voice, which is a good thing. I’m gonna play around w/ it a little and then try to get it to lead into a chorus. It’s already set up to lead into a chorus that revolves around Badd4, but I use that shit a lot, so I need to make it go somewhere else. I don’t want all my songs to sound the same like Katy Perry, who is unsuccessful and poverty-stricken.
I think I have a decent song in the works, here. Nothing to brag about. Most original music is pretty decent before producers or sub-par bandmates get their hands on it. I’m just kind of frustrated with the difficulty of making something sound ‘original’ on an acoustic guitar. It’s all been done. Although, that is a very arrogant & narrow-minded thing to say. Like I have any idea what “all” is. I sound like a person who claims to be spiritual yet only adheres to the rules of the Bible.
I’ve made a huge mistake.
I threw my guitar on my bed as if my work was all done, smoked a hand-rolled American Spirit cigarette, poured a drink that tastes like limeaid w/ extra sugar, and listened to a Breathe Carolina song. It was a fun ten-minute break but now my mind is all unclear again. Fuckin hippie. Plus some textual interruptions from V and G. I was hopin’ for a call from the former but that was dumb. I need to erase the last 15 minutes and pick up my guitar again.
I love the way the fan wind feels in my face. It’s what I missed most during the power outage. (cue sad music; my life is so hard here in America.)
I wish I could sit down and jam w/ Chris Cornell while he is still somewhat right of mind. The guy is an amazing songwriter. And my guitar is in tune so I should shut up and play.
This session just ended w/ me singin’ n playin’ a couple Beach Boys songs* on my guitar and thinkin’ about how cool it must’ve been to actually come up w/ something brand new and original that sounded happy and good. I might be back. It’s only 23:09.

*Don’t Talk (Put Your Head on My Shoulders) & Good Vibrations.

My pipes are way better now. But I firmly stand behind the melody I wrote. As a fuckin 20-yr-old kid. Credits:

acoustic guitar (left): Mikel Cates

acoustic guitar 2 (right): Mikel Cates

12-string acoustic guitar: Mikel Cates

electric guitar: Mikel Cates

Vocals: Mikel Cates

Written and produced by Mikel Cates (c) 2002 Mikel Hates 

This is me, drunk, 10 min ago, doing an impersonation of Michael Jackson. Recorded by Benco on his iPhag.

New Blink-182 single, “Up All Night.” Released ten minutes ago on KROQ. Also my new ringtone.

I’ve been unpackin’ in my new place this week n I came across this today. It’s the original template for the flyers that me n my best bud Dave used to obtain the offices of President (Dave) n VP (me) of our Sophomore class, back in 1996. The concept was taken from a 5th season episode of The Simpsons, “Rosebud,” where Mr. Burns is tryin’ to break into the Simpsons’ house to steal his childhood teddy bear, Bobo, back from Maggie. He ends up stuck hangin’ in the middle of a zip line runnin’ from Flanders’ roof, n has to be rescued by EMTs. I just thought it was hilarious how much of a dick Mr. Burns was. I couldn’t find the clip online anywhere, so I popped the DVD in my laptop n shot this crude 28-second video of it w/ my phone: youtube.com/watch?v=tF9PBKZgCis

All we added to the above teplate was “Dave & Mike Class of ‘99” at the bottom. Our class was pretty small, under 400 kids, n we were pretty well-known, so we accidentally won. Our competition was weak; it wasn’t like those teen movies where one guy is the clear front runner, Mr. Popular or whatever. We were just a big mix of retards divided into different clicks. Dave n I had no clue what we were doin’, missed a bunch of meetings cause of sports n music, n eventually ended up givin’ up n lettin’ the secretary n treasurer run the show. 

Dave went on to graduate damn near the top of the class and attended Northeastern University in Boston. He now works for Mass Mutual Life Insurance, which he hates, n is one of the few dudes I know, my age, who remains unmarried. I went on to drop out of school n join the Air Force cause I just really really hated school n had totally sabotaged any chance I had of gettin into a decent college, despite my 1370 on the SATs. I don’t regret that decision. The kid who ended up bein’ the class prez our Jr n Sr years is still a good friend of mine. His name is Dan n he is now a hippie who travels between the U.S., India n New Zealand. He has completely abandoned his responsibilities of organizin’ reunion events, which is awesome because no facet of high school deserves to be taken seriously. Dan’s a good guy. He loves weed.

Minnesota can go suck a fuck.

When I get a text, this is what innocent bystanders get to hear. Thanks, It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia!

South Carolina may not have Asian people, or high-speed internet, or attractive local news anchors, or retail clerks who know how to read, or sports teams that are relevant, or textbooks that acknowledge evolution … but it sure is pretty down here.

17May11

DREAM: Fuckin finally! A full-on sex dream about Kiera Knightley. If that girl ever touched me in real life I would jizz hard enough to tag a Cathedral ceiling.

Note to self: Get handie from Kiera Knightley in Catholic church.

I wish I could be this romantic. “Marry Me” from The Nightman Cometh.

More from Demetri Martin’s show at the Shubert Theater in New Haven, CT on Friday, April 22nd, 2011. It’s funny how the shitty recording quality of my phone makes the people laughing sound like laugh tracks on TV shows from the early 60s.